Ever daydreamed about talking with some of the great names in history. At SoberOn we did just that. In a smoke-filled pub with a couple of lads in the corner playing cards, we catch up with the famous Johnnie Walker. Yes, you are right – the Johnnie Walker from the most consumed whiskey in the world. As imagined by the makers of SoberOn (all-natural kick-butt hangover cure)
Johnnie is in top form as he seats himself at the bar. The glint in his eye says that the world is just as it should be. The price of whiskey is up, and, would you believe it, 6 bottles of Johnnie Walker Scotch Whisky sold every second. That’s about 72 bottles since you started reading (at the average reading speed). It’s difficult to conceive of such a world – but such is the world of Mr. Johnnie Walker (and yes, it’s Johnnie, please note his displeasure in being called Johnny, as 165,000 Google searchers do each month; some respect, please).
SoberOn: Mr. Walker, what a pleasure it is to meet you to discuss your range of whiskeys on this mild and pleasant evening.
Johnnie Walker: Pleasure’s all mine, and please – it’s Johnnie (mental note 6, 12, 18, 24, 30 more bottles sold lalalala).
SoberOn: Where did this all start?
Johnnie Walker: It all started in my grocer’s store in Ayrshire, Scotland. Originally we called it Walker’s Kilmarnock Whisky and my son Alexander Walker and grandson Alexander Walker II gets credit for changing the name and popularizing the brand. In the beginning, whiskey sales represented eight percent of the companies turnover. When I handed the reins to my son whiskey represented 90-95% of our turnover. Today, it is the most widely distributed brand of blended Scotch whiskey in the world, sold in almost every country, with 2015 annual sales totaling 226.2 million 750 ml bottles or roughly 169.2 million liters.
SoberOn: Wow, that is a lot of bottles of whiskey to drink in one year. Can you whip us through your range of Scotch Whisky?
Johnnie Walker: Absolutely, let’s whizz through the finest range of whiskey in all of mother nature’s world! (his warm chuckle leaves one feeling the warmth of his Vivre pulsing through one’s veins).
We offer our whiskeys in four categories, namely:
SoberOn: We’re speechless. That’s a real mouthful, right? (chuckle) But tell us – why such a broad range? Isn’t whiskey, well, whiskey?
Johnnie Walker: That’s a good question, Laddie. And the answer is aye, and also…no! Look here, you must understand that our Scotch is the most widely distributed in the world (6, 12, 18, 24, 30 diddle dee dee), so we’ve segmented our range to make sure that there’s something for everyone to look forward to at the end of the day.
SoberOn: So, you have some product for the less sophisticated whiskey drinker. Some for the middle-of-the-road whiskey drinker (like us). And then the flagship range that delights even the most refined whiskey pallet, right?
Johnnie Walker: Aye, Laddie. You have spoken well. Let’s drink to that. He clears his throat and says with his broad Scottish brogue. And again, let’s drink to that again!
SoberOn: But Johnnie, let’s talk about hangovers. Do your whiskeys give hangovers, and do certain products in your range make for a more horrific morning-after than others? That is assuming that the refined taste of your blended Scotch whiskey most often gets enjoyed in excess?
Johnnie Walker: Laddie, even the likes of Christopher Osborne, writing for Crave, and Sam Greenspan, writing for 11 Points, tells you that Whisky is a dark beverage. This effectively means that it holds a higher congener content than other (clearer) ales. Congeners are particles born in the whiskey during the distillation process. And actually what gives the whiskey its body and pallet. The unfortunate thing, some might say, congeners cause a more severe morning after effect. A hangover, I believe you call it these days?
But I assure you we use only the purest materials in when making our whiskeys. Cheaper whiskeys hit you far harder than a good old fashioned JW. Some folks accused me of making a subpar whiskey because I distil blended Scotch as opposed to single-malt. But, as Heather Greene’s article in Eater rightly puts it – we do not deserve any negative rap for this. She, a real whiskey expert and connoisseur, confirms that the uneducated whiskey drinkers amongst us level these accusations “without enough data to make an informed opinion.” I invite them to come and experience my range first-hand, and then we’ll see.
SoberOn: So, Johnnie, are you saying that your Johnnie Walker whiskey doesn’t cause hangovers?
Johnnie Walker: (discreet laughter) Absolutely not! All alcohol will do that for you if you open the taps and let it flow with abandon, of course! But I am willing to say that we are among the finest, cleanest, distillery known to man. The hangover will be from the alcohol, mostly. Not the impurities.
SoberOn: What about Johnnie Walker Red Label?
Johnnie Walker: Aye. That’s our Pioneer blend, son. Meaning, it is literally made for soda (as Heather says), casual social events, and doesn’t break the bank either. So, aye, we adjusted the formula to make this possible. But even still, Laddie, you won’t find a lower-spec whiskey that offers a cleaner, finer drink than my Red. I guarantee it. But if you pit my Red against my King George V, or Blue Label blend. Aye, your hangover may be worse with the Red. Because it is the cheaper product distilled for a lower end consumer.
SoberOn: We hear you. Johnnie, a quick question: Have you heard of SoberOn?
Johnnie Walker: Laddie, I listened to a lot of folks talking about it lately and I must say I hear only rally good things. I remain well informed, with my ear to the ground…not owing to inebriation, but to my social network. SoberOn is that the all-natural, tested, anti-hangover medication that not only prevents but can also cure hangovers?
SoberOn: That’s correct. You really do have your ear to the ground, sir. SoberOn is literally formulated to work with your body to prevent hangovers when taken as prescribed. Also, It can cure hangovers when taken on a hangover. Helping you recover up to ten times faster than someone without SoberOn.
Johnnie Walker: We had a good word for people like you in my day…RAPSCALLIONS! How on earth did you manage to outsmart the beast of the dreaded bite after a big drink?
SoberOn: Well, Johnnie, we simply never stopped searching for the solution. We tapped into traditional medicine, alternative medicine, traditional herbal medicine, and reliable scientific application. In addition, we never stopped testing our product until we knew we found the cure and it is the solution to the dreaded hangover.
Johnnie Walker: Give it to me. Everyone should know about SoberOn.
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